That Which Doesn’t Kill You

December 29, 2010
Every day with relapsing/remitting MS contains a bit of suspense. I never know for sure what I’ll be up against.
Take this morning’s dog walk, for instance. For the past two weeks, my husband has been doing most of the dog walking. I’ve been fatigued; I imagine it’s because of holiday travel.

Today is my husband’s first day back at work, so this morning I decided to resume dog-walking duty. Problem was, my legs didn’t feel all that reliable. They were just a tad bit more tingly, a tad bit more wobbly, than usual. I wasn’t 100% certain they would hold up for the duration of the walk. But then again, I wasn’t 100% certain they would fail me, either. I hate to lose the opportunity to breathe fresh air and get some exercise. I hedged my bet by inviting our 14-year-old son Henry along as back up. He agreed to take the leash. This was brave. How brave? Read on.
There are a few extenuating factors I have to watch out for on winter walks. If I get too cold, my muscles tend to seize up and spasm. But here’s the rub: if I get too hot, my MS symptoms go into overdrive.
I found myself lagging behind the dog and the boy right from the start. My legs felt heavy, as if the heel of each boot contained a five pound weight. The dog had a good deal of business to attend to. I was able to stay within half a block due to their frequent stops. Both the boy and the dog kept looking back. I tried to hustle. The fastest tempo I could muster was a shuffle. Within a few blocks, my boots started to feel heavier, like they weighed twenty pounds each. I knew better than to take off my boots. I took off my hat.

I can’t afford to get a hot head. Multiple Sclerosis is an autoimmune disease in which renegade T-cells from my own immune system have attacked the insulating layer (myelin) around the nerves in my brain and spinal cord. When I overheat, my poorly insulated neural signals tend to misfire. This can lead to any number of complications.

I once lost most of the vision in my left eye during a dog walk. My vision gradually returned, but only after I’d completely freaked out…and completely cooled down. At the time, I hadn’t had an explanation for the world going grey. I thought this was the beginning of the rest of my life as a semi-blind person.

Today I know what to expect when I overheat…sort of. I can expect to get symptomatic. And I can expect the symptoms to be transient. I don’t get to pick which symptoms will arise.

My legs were getting more tingly, and more wobbly, block by block. Shortly after I decided we should turn around, my hips began to swivel madly. Then my knees began to buckle. My agency over my body was slipping away. I grabbed hold of my boy’s extended arm. Henry handed me the leash, in hopes our hundred pound lab mix would pull me forward.

No such luck. In wintry weather, the dog has learned to walk slowly, to match my pace along the slipperier sidewalks.
I pitched forward. Pitched backward. Getting home was going to be tricky.

My son said, “You shouldn’t have walked.”

“I need the exercise.”

“This isn’t exercise.” He had a point. We were inching along. “You’re only hurting yourself.”

At least I knew for sure I was reaching my full potential for the day. Which is kind of athletic, in a sick kind of way.
I thanked my son for assisting me in this adventure. But he didn’t see it as an adventure; to him it’s an ordeal. He doesn’t care if his mom has reached her full potential for the day. He just wants his mom to be safe and intact.

I try to assure him that what he’s witnessing isn’t a progression of my MS; it’s just a flare-up of symptoms from damage done long ago. There’s no way to prove that to him, though. Not until the next MRI.

I have faith my medication will prevent another full-blown relapse. Faith my family will stick by me even when I’m wobbly. And so I venture out, and trust that somehow there will always be a way for me to make it back home.

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One thought on “That Which Doesn’t Kill You

  1. Eve

    My goodness Lisa, I didn’t expect to find myself tearing up the first time reading your blog. Not from pity, mind you! I respect you as a strong and capable woman who has every right to push her daily boundries. But, from the sincere love mixed with heathly concern that young Henry employs as a supportive son. You may never know the scope of the spirit’s unfoldment these ordeals assist in him and others. ~*~

    Reply

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